


without you things go hazy

by ThatOneFan



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Allusion to past Steve/Bucky, Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, Angst, Bucky Barnes as Captain America, Flashbacks, Hurt Bucky Barnes, M/M, Past Torture, Steve Rogers as the Winter Soldier, What Have I Done, this backfired and wound up hurting a lot more than i thought it would, this is actually very painful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-17 22:32:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3546170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOneFan/pseuds/ThatOneFan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Steve?"  Bucky said, the disbelief evident in his voice.  Steve died so long ago, he watched his best friend fall to his death and he hadn't been able to do a damn thing.  So why was Steve standing in front of him now?</p>
<p>"Who the hell is Steve?"</p>
<p>And a sharp pain shot through him like nothing he'd known before.  This didn't compare to all those times he thought he was going to lose Steve.  This was worse.</p>
<p>Because Steve was already gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	without you things go hazy

**Author's Note:**

> So I watched Captain America: The Winter Soldier, and thought to myself, "How can I make this more sad?" And so I decided on Role Reversal Stucky.
> 
> Note that this is a complete role reversal, as in Steve had to protect Bucky growing up and in turn Bucky became Captain America, and therefore, Steve became the Winter Soldier.
> 
> Title cleverly stolen from Hazy.

Having been a soldier for what seemed like most of his life, Bucky was accustomed to seeing loss.  Everyone lost someone to war, whether by death or mental separation.  But watching his best friend, someone he loved more than life fall to his death, it was something Bucky couldn't live with.  And he hadn't been able to do anything to stop it either.  He had simply been forced to watch Steve fall, living with the guilt for the remainder of his days.  And he did.  He had loved Steve, like a friend, like a brother, and like something more.  Something that could never be, something illegal.  But Steve had never known, never would know why Bucky fought so hard to protect his best friend.  And Bucky, well, he had no qualms about that, it made things easier, didn't it?

"They call him The Winter Soldier."  Not for the season in which he was forced to spend a lifetime, but for the aura he carried.  Icy blue eyes and an expression that was as cold as the steel that joined his flesh where flesh and bone once were.  If anyone, man, woman or child, were the be at the end of his weapon, there would be no mercy.  The Winter Soldier was a killing machine, Bucky had no doubt about that.  That didn't mean, however, that he wouldn't try his damndest to get him down.  But that was his first mistake.  The Winter Soldier was armed well and his face covered, until Sam managed to crack his goggles.  And from where Bucky stood on the highway, he was almost afraid to say he  _knew_ those eyes, that face.  But what was even more terrifying was the fact that if he did indeed know that face, then that face should have been buried for nearly as long as Bucky had been frozen.  
  
But no.  That face was very much alive, and very, very changed.  No longer was Steve the friendly face he'd grown up, the warm smile when he fell down or got sick.  Steve was cold, calculating, and deadly, but still, Bucky  _knew_ that the Steve he loved was in there somewhere.  He had to be.  And as he watched the other descend to the highway, mask completely removed, Bucky froze.  And a single word escaped him, though it was merely more than a whisper.  
  
"Steve?"  It was impossible.  He'd watched Steve fall, heard him scream and then watched him die.  So how could that be the person who stood before him?  Maybe it wasn't.  Maybe he was delusional, hopeful, something along those lines.  And in his mind he was hoping and praying that it  _wasn't_  Steve, that that voice wouldn't be the one of his best friend.  But he was wrong.  
  
"Who the hell is Steve?"  A sharp pain shot through him like he'd never known.  This didn't compare to the all the times he thought he was going to lose Steve.  No, this was worse, much worse.  
  
Because this time, Steve was already gone.  

* * *

_It was one of the rare nights when Bucky and Steve would go out for a few drinks, only if they were cheap.  Bucky hadn't ever handled his alcohol well, and Steve had been prepared for Bucky to say some weird things.  But this took the cake, as far as he was concerned. "Steve...If...If I said I loved you, what would you say?"  Bucky asked, swirling the remainder of his drink around, not wanting to meet Steve's eyes.  "I, uh, I don't....I don't know."  It wasn't right, two guys being together like that.  They both knew it, and it was killing him that Steve wasn't saying anything else.  "I-I mean, I wouldn't say nothin' about it, but I mean....It'd make livin' together a bit weird, huh?"  Steve chuckled, trying to play it off, like it didn't affect him, but it did.  He'd be lying if he said he hadn't gotten an eyeful here or there when the two were changing.  And it wasn't a stretch of the imagination to say he liked what he saw.  
  
_ _"B-Buck, we should probably be headin' back.  Work tomorrow and all that."  He said, pulling at his collar.  Tomorrow was Saturday, he didn't work tomorrow, and Bucky knew that.  
  
_ _That night, Bucky had his first kiss, and it was soft and gentle.  "Don't tell no one about this, Buck."  Steve whispered, earning a nod from the other, who was too embarassed to speak.  Of course Steve loved Bucky, but he wasn't quite sure how.  But if he closed his eyes, it wasn't all that different than with a girl.  Bucky was small and soft like a girl, too.  Soft touches and quiet whispers intermixed with soft kisses and bites, not wanting to make him pass out as Steve moved down.  "Y'sure you want this?"  An adamant nod was given by Bucky, looking down at Steve.  "Just....be gentle."  Steve chuckled, standing and pressing a light kiss to his head.  "'Course."_  


* * *

"That man on the bridge.  I knew him."  Steve said, looking up at the man before him.  That face, that name....He wasn't sure where he knew them from, but they were familiar to him.  It was strange and slightly terrifying.  Part of him didn't want to remember, just wanted to carry out his mission.  Remembering was hard.  But every now and then, he'd get fuzzy flashbacks of moments between himself and an unfamiliar individual.  "I knew him."  He remembered vague details, soft touches, gentle words, long nights working.  "Wipe him and start over."  And just like that, every snippet he had of his past life was gone again, and he was no longer full of holes.  


* * *

"You're my friend."  Steve shook his head, throwing the other over his shoulder and slamming him into the ground.  "You're my mission."  That's all he was.  Just another mission.  Missions were familiar, missions he could deal with.  But...Some part of him was reluctant to do this, like some part of him still remembered.  "Then finish it.  Because I'm with you....til the end of the line."  Bucky managed, a weak smile forming on his face.  And Steve remembered.  Remembered the small boy he used to protect, the one he used to love, the one he  _did_ love.  His fist fell to his side, chest heaving with every breath.  "...Bucky..."  Steve mumbled, right before an explosion threw Bucky from the ship.

* * *

 

Bucky was brought back to consciousness by the feeling of his head breaking the surface of the water.  Deep, gasping breaths were taken as he tried to regain himself, and he opened his eyes, seeing Steve walking off out of the corner of his eye.  "Steve...."  He mumbled, causing the other to turn around briefly.  "I....I'm not your Steve anymore.  Don't come after me."  It'd be easier that way.  
  
But Bucky just couldn't let go.


End file.
